The Best of Late Night..

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The Best of Late Night...

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The Best of Late Night...

"I don't need to tell you folks, but the economy is so bad right now that over 1,000 Americans have volunteered to become the Obama dog." --David Letterman

"French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It's almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife." --Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party. And I'm thinking, if I see any more of Rush Limbaugh, I'm going to have to send my housekeeper out to buy me painkillers." --David Letterman

"Microsoft is promoting its new search engine, called Kumo, to compete with Google. Bill Gates promised that it will make Microsoft the No. 1 place on the web for things that have already been invented." --Jimmy Fallon

"And when is it -- I mean we're not even talking millions, we're talking billions -- and when is it enough? Even kids have to do something for their allowance, don't they? Can't we get these AIG guys to mow the lawn or take out the garbage? Do something. Pick up trash in orange jump suits, maybe?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama sent a secret letter to Russia's president last month. In it, he promised that the U.S. would back off deploying a missile defense system if Moscow would stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons. The Russian president immediately fired back a response, saying, 'I don't understand English.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?" -Jay Leno

"Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. So cold, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer was happy to have a burning sensation." --David Letterman

"Welcome to the first episode of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.' I have been getting so much encouragement. In fact, just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh called me up and said he wants me to fail." --Jimmy Fallon

"A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to." --Craig Ferguson
 
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