Things my mother taught me

Things my mother taught me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. My mother taught
me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL
DONE.
"If you're
going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught
me RELIGION.
"You better
pray that will come out of the
carpet."

3. My mother taught
me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you
don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught
me LOGIC.
"Because I
said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught
me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall
off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught
me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you
wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

7. My mother taught
me IRONY.
"Keep crying,
and I'll give you something to cry
about."

8. My mother taught
me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your
mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught
me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look
at that dirt on the back of your
neck!"

10. My mother
taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll
sit there until all that spinach is
gone."

11. My mother
taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of
yours looks as if a tornado went through
it."

12. My mother
taught me about HYPOCRISY.
" If I've
told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"

13. My mother
taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you
into this world, and I can take you
out."

14. My mother
taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting
like your father!"

15. My mother
taught me about ENVY.
"There are
millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you
do."

16. My mother
taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait
until we get home."

17. My mother
taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going
to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother
taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you
don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
that way."

19. My mother
taught me ESP.
"Put your
sweater on; don't you think I know when you are
cold?"

20. My mother
taught me HUMOR.
"When that
lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."

21. My mother
taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you
don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up."

22. My mother
taught me GENETICS.
"You're
just like your father."

23. My mother
taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that
door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
barn?"

24. My mother
taught me WISDOM.
"When you get
to be my age, you'll
understand."

25. And my
favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn
out just like
you."